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One liners - FallingDown - 02-06-2019

Post them if you’ve  got them

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What's faster then a black kid running down the street with your tv? His brother with your Xbox.

What did God say to Joseph Smith?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don’t have balls to scratch.

30 years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed we still have no superheroes?

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.


What’s the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm!

Would black Jews have to go to the back of the oven ?

What’s worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!

I know a great joke about Jonestown. But the punch line is too long .


RE: One liners - ~mc~ - 02-06-2019

[Image: yq8ctsN.jpg]


RE: One liners - FallingDown - 02-06-2019

(02-06-2019, 05:17 PM)~mc~ Wrote: [Image: yq8ctsN.jpg]


[Image: AAE20658-C84-C-4966-AA74-097236124586.jpg]


RE: One liners - unclelunatic - 02-06-2019

I love Mitch Hedberg, here are some of his one liners:

I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.

I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. [Listen]

1 I order the club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

One time a guy handed me a picture, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign. Only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience."

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.


RE: One liners - ~mc~ - 02-06-2019

(02-06-2019, 05:31 PM)FallingDown Wrote:
(02-06-2019, 05:17 PM)~mc~ Wrote: [Image: yq8ctsN.jpg]


[Image: AAE20658-C84-C-4966-AA74-097236124586.jpg]

[Image: UmCdlUF.jpg]


RE: One liners - TheOrderOfChaos - 02-06-2019

Johnny Carson.

Cis, boom, bah. Sound an exploding sheep makes.


RE: One liners - Citizen37082 - 02-06-2019

(02-06-2019, 05:33 PM)unclelunatic Wrote: My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

Jptdknpa i've got asthma now. OMG This one's going in my quotes folder ROFLMAO!!!


RE: One liners - FallingDown - 02-06-2019

(02-06-2019, 05:33 PM)unclelunatic Wrote: I love Mitch Hedberg, here are some of his one liners:

I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.

I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. [Listen]

1 I order the club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

One time a guy handed me a picture, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign. Only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience."

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I read the first half and they really didn’t do anything for me. Then I started over and put a George Carlin’s voice to the words . ( I’ve never heard the other guys voice)

Loved them


RE: One liners - unclelunatic - 02-06-2019

(02-06-2019, 05:47 PM)Citizen37082 Wrote:
(02-06-2019, 05:33 PM)unclelunatic Wrote: My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

Jptdknpa i've  got asthma now. OMG This one's going in my quotes folder ROFLMAO!!!

Chuckle





If you got time, and haven't heard of Mitch Hedberg, I highly suggest you check him out Heartflowers


RE: One liners - unclelunatic - 02-06-2019

(02-06-2019, 05:49 PM)FallingDown Wrote:
(02-06-2019, 05:33 PM)unclelunatic Wrote: I love Mitch Hedberg, here are some of his one liners:

I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.

I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. [Listen]

1 I order the club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

One time a guy handed me a picture, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah."

I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign. Only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience."

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I read the first half and they really didn’t do anything for me. Then I started over and put a George Carlin’s voice to the words . ( I’ve  never heard the other guys voice)

Loved them

Chuckle Mitch definitely has the perfect voice for these one liners

The 2nd half is better than the first in my opinion Heartflowers