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graduating. With honors


Kicking back in his seat desk, jack chatted, amicably and amiably, with the rather attractive and surprisingly attentive brunette  seated so demurely, to his left .
How odd, that she, would chose today, this day, this final day, to sit next to him, in his corner, by the door.
Jack sat here, in this particular corner, for a very good reason. Fast exits.
He needed to exit, quickly, quite often. Lest Mr. Hand's very fast and keen eraser nail him. Close calls and near misses the eraser had found the wall behind him, but not him.
Mr. Hand., his ridiculous poly-sci teacher, pounded his fists, again, on the table. In vain.
"Jack, Jack. The Monroe doctrine please. Please share, with the class, all the pertinent details, Identifying facts, statistics,  status"...
Jack set forward his chair and stood.
"Monroe doctrine.. Yes sir Mr. Hand. Identity.. First name Marylin,  Statistics .. 46 -24 -36.  Status..
dead?"
Silence suffocated the class.
Jack reseated and reclining once more, started shifting, ever so slowly, cautiously leaning forward,  eagle eyeing that aluminum rail on the chalkboard. If the old man made even the slightest move for that big fat eraser, Jack would have un-kicked back from the wall,  and flown.
One quick move of the teacher's hand towards that eraser would find an empty chair.
The teacher, a much medalled war veteran, unknown then to Jack,  silently sneered at Jack. The atmosphere craklingly tense. And silent.
In a few very long moments, Mr. Hand's very taut somewhat wearied shoulders relaxed as he called on a classmate for the 'oh so'  pertinent deets of the wonderous 'Moron dickturine'.
13 minutes. 13 long minutes. In 13 LONG minutes and that damned bell would ring and Jack would be excused from high school, permanently.
Time passed, quicker now,  Jack having regained  complete focus on oh so sweet sweet Noreen.
Why had Noreen chosen this day to visit Jack, back in Jack's corner? Noreen the foxiest chic in school, left her traditional front center seat , next to Debbie the second foxiest, to sit with him. In the back?
She must secretly have the hots for him. Poor thing. Debbie must have challenged her courage.
 The last day of High School, no prom date? Maybe football star Cory had bagged on her last minute. Having been rejected many times himself, Jack too, had no prom date.
Utterly lost in her very pleasant brown eyes, smelling her very pleasant scent, and somewhat over-loudly relating to her one of his favorite detention adventures, Jack took his eyes off the aluminum rail, and Mr. Hand., lecturing louder than his usual, due to Jack and Jack's favorite overtold detention adventure.
No class credit detention. How messed up was that? He spent enough time there
Suddenly looking forward, Noreen's countenance changed. Debbie, having signalled, Noreen quickly rose from her chair and stood aside, looking down on Jack.
Peripherally, Jack realized too late, Mr. Hands hand was already at the rail. Jack scrambled sideways, his back leaning seat chair now a horrible trap.
BAM. The eraser hit Jack square on the forehead. Chalk dust exploded in a thick yellow green cloud. Coughing and gasping for air, Jack fell over on his side, his reclining seat table now pinning him to the floor.
Ring ring ringggggg... the bell sounded and the suddenly silent class rose in unison and gathered their things, filed out, past Jack, thru the door.
In passing, everyone stared down at Jack. Noreen and Debbie triumphantly giggling downward, they happily exited the class.
Mr. Hand. exited last.
Sneer, now smirk, now .. smile ..
Mr. Hand. dumped his very full waste bin.
All over Jack's head.
And turning off the class lights, he exited.
Entering the wonderful indian summer sunlight.

Victorious.
Uuuuhhhhh...OK. Slap
I was going to tell a story but I forgot it. 1dunno1
It's the skeleton of a good story. I encourage you to edit and fix up the details ... stuff like it's the last day of school, but they are exiting into an Indian summer night (autumn) and he wonders why Noreen doesn't have a prom date (mid spring, mid semester) on the last day of school (usuallly June, and well after prom). Grammar, punctuation and spelling you already know to fix, right?

I normally wouldn't post comments like this except I like good writing and I think this piece has real potential. A good idea with interesting characters, ya know? (Plus I love that the eraser-throwing teacher is called Mr. Hand!)
(03-11-2018, 03:48 PM)Weasel Keeper Wrote: [ -> ]Uuuuhhhhh...OK. Slap

This
1dunno1

%#jack nli

(03-11-2018, 04:17 PM)Fritzy Ritz Wrote: [ -> ]It's the skeleton of a good story. I encourage you to edit and fix up the details ... stuff like it's the last day of school, but they are exiting into an Indian summer night (autumn) and he wonders why Noreen doesn't have a prom date (mid spring, mid semester) on the last day of school (usuallly June, and well after prom). Grammar, punctuation and spelling you already know to fix, right?

I normally wouldn't post comments like this except I like good writing and I think this piece has real potential. A good idea with interesting characters, ya know? (Plus I love that the eraser-throwing teacher is called Mr. Hand!)

This was I must admit very quickly and briefly written, a sketch, and written for well, social forum tastes.

Thanks for the critiques, yes I saw those errors,spelling.. good.

The real story, of this, would involve deeper themes. It would be a combo narrative told both from a character's older and younger viewpoints.
In this vein, the youth is of draft age, in the mid 60's, rebellious and questioning authority. He certainly rebels against poly-sci!

His opponent, Mr. Hand, a decorated WW2 vet, represents patriotism, establishment, he would have the younger man conform suck it up and go to war.

And die.

There in lies the conflict.

Add to  this the flavoring of a young man's story told, as an older life-wisened witness.

And we begin to tell the tale...

Again, far too extensive for forum reads.

And admittedly, the qualifier, instantly forgettable!

Jack nli

Guest

Please take up finger painting. As opposed to short story stories.

Guest

^how about single digit finger painting?

Jest kiddn

wonderful comment!
Eyeroll

Guest

(03-11-2018, 06:57 PM)Guest Wrote: [ -> ]^how about single digit finger painting?

Jest kiddn

wonderful comment!
Eyeroll

Wink  I like your. Seriously, your. Anon humor.
(03-11-2018, 05:43 PM)%#jack nli Wrote: [ -> ]
(03-11-2018, 04:17 PM)Fritzy Ritz Wrote: [ -> ]It's the skeleton of a good story. I encourage you to edit and fix up the details ... stuff like it's the last day of school, but they are exiting into an Indian summer night (autumn) and he wonders why Noreen doesn't have a prom date (mid spring, mid semester) on the last day of school (usuallly June, and well after prom). Grammar, punctuation and spelling you already know to fix, right?

I normally wouldn't post comments like this except I like good writing and I think this piece has real potential. A good idea with interesting characters, ya know? (Plus I love that the eraser-throwing teacher is called Mr. Hand!)

This was I must admit very quickly and briefly written, a sketch, and written for well, social forum tastes.

Thanks for the critiques, yes I saw those errors,spelling.. good.

The real story, of this, would involve deeper themes. It would be a combo narrative told both from a character's older and younger viewpoints.
In this vein, the youth is of draft age, in the mid 60's, rebellious and questioning authority. He certainly rebels against poly-sci!

His opponent, Mr. Hand, a decorated WW2 vet, represents patriotism, establishment, he would have the younger man conform suck it up and go to war.

And die.

There in lies the conflict.

Add to  this the flavoring of a young man's story told, as an older life-wisened witness.

And we begin to tell the tale...

Again, far too extensive for forum reads.

And admittedly, the qualifier, instantly forgettable!

Jack nli

I think you will find that there are a number of thoughtful and intelligent people here who will take the time to read your writing, if you give them the consideration of putting a well constructed piece together. On another thread, there is a writer who is sharing chapters of his novel in progress. It's quite good.

Based on what you've now added, this is definitely a story I'd like to read. I hope you pursue it. I hope I get to read it in its polished form.

And thanks for taking the chance to put it out here. Ignore the comments of those who don't take the time to discover the jewel within. They're not your audience anyhow and they never will be. Brush off your sandals and keep steppin'.
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